I don’t know what brought them here. I don’t know what they’re doing. But will someone please get the Oogieloves as far away from me as possible? From hell they cameth and to hell they must go.
Even though the horror flick, The Possession, took top dollar this past weekend at the box office, the scariest thing during the week hasn’t been the sight of the haunted images from that film – it’s been the unusually creepy faces of the half puppet, half turtle, half sports mascot outcast – The Oogieloves. I’m driving – THERE THEY ARE. I’m reading the newspaper – THERE THEY ARE. I’m having a nightmare – BAM!
The WORST thing I ever had to deal with when I was growing up was Barney the Dinosaurand Lambchops, but I at least knew what I was dealing with – a dinosaur and a lamb. I’ve got zero idea what an Oogielove is except from the brief description that the New York Times gives, calling them “Three excitable, pear-shaped creatures…” So, they’re not walking pears then, right? An image in my head like that would be 10 times less scary (and probably a movie I could see myself enjoying).
I’ll openly admit that this partly stems from a childhood fear of people in giant felt costumes – I’m looking at you nightmarish spawn from Chuck E. Cheese. However, the Oogieloves and their giant talking fish have taken the cake in terms of weird puppet people.
According to the website, the film follows the Oogieloves (Don’t know if they’re….cousins? Or best friends? Or maybe a motorcycle gang?), Goobie, Zoozie, and Toofie, as they set out to find five magical balloons in time for their friend Schluufy’s surprise birthday party in Lovelyloveville. How come Schluufy has such a different name from the rest of them – maybe he’s not that good of a friend? Also – five magical balloons for a present? I’d X those people from my life if that’s what I was given for a gift – I mean, I was on the website earlier and saw a talking vacuum cleaner! How about one of those!?
There is a bright side to all of this though! It seems like I won’t have to deal with much more of the Oogieloves for a while. The film was a critical and financial bust and was given the title of worst debut ever for a widely released movie. I do have some sympathy for the Oogies, but it’s just so gosh darn hard to sympathize with something that looks like it’s going to eat my face. I’m sure they’re plotting for their revenge to return back in Lovelyloveville – and when they do, I’ll be ready – with my talking vacuum cleaner and giant fish.